How many times have you walked away from a situation with your head full of things you wish you had said?
The fear of speaking up and the conflict it might create stops many of us from expressing ourselves. Not to mention the inner turmoil in the moment when you know you should speak up, but the fear of what that might bring kicks in.
Maybe it’s telling your boss you’re overwhelmed or over worked, confronting a friend who’s crossed a line, or simply expressing your needs in a relationship. Instead of stepping into the discomfort, many of us choose the safer route: staying silent, nodding along, or saying what you know they want to hear.
Why is it so hard for some of us to face conflict head-on? Why do we avoid difficult conversations even when we know it's detrimental to our own well-being? The answer, more often than not, lies deep within us — far beyond the immediate situation and rooted in the energy and patterns we carry from childhood.
The Origins of Fear: Childhood Patterns as Survival Strategies
Gabor Maté’s work in Compassionate Inquiry offers a profound lens into why so many of us shrink away from speaking our truth. As children, our survival depended on our ability to stay connected to our caregivers. If expressing anger, frustration, or disagreement threatened that connection, we quickly learned that staying quiet or being agreeable was the safer choice. For some, simply sensing a parent's emotional overwhelm, unpredictability, or even disapproval was enough to send the message: conflict is dangerous.
Over time, this survival strategy gets encoded in the body. This is where somatic and energetic approaches come in. Anodea Judith’s work in energy psychotherapy shows that when we consistently suppress our truth to maintain peace, our energy centers — especially the throat chakra, the center of expression — become blocked. We lose the ability to access our authentic voice and, without even realizing it, we carry that pattern into adulthood.
So, when that difficult conversation arises, the reaction isn’t logical. It’s not that we’re consciously choosing to avoid conflict. Our bodies, wired from childhood to equate disagreement with danger, send us into fight, flight, or freeze mode.
How to Break Free: Reconnecting with Your Body and Voice
The good news is that these patterns aren’t fixed. Through awareness and gentle somatic practices, we can start to unravel the fears that keep us trapped in avoidance.
Here are a few practical tools to begin addressing your fear of difficult conversations:
1. Tune into Your Body’s Response
The first step is awareness. The next time you feel yourself avoiding a conversation, pause and notice what’s happening in your body. Is your stomach churning? Are your palms sweating? Is your throat feeling blocked?
By bringing mindful attention to these sensations, you start to understand how your body responds to perceived conflict. Somatic therapy focuses on reconnecting with these bodily cues, helping you ground yourself before a conversation, and easing some of the tension that may otherwise escalate into fear.
In my own life, I’ve often noticed a tightness in my throat, a racing heart and a knot in my stomach when I’m about to speak with someone on a topic which feels contentious or to ask for what I need. It's a vulnerable feeling.
In the past, I would avoid the conversation to make that discomfort go away. Over time, I’ve learned to sit with what comes up for me, take a few deep breaths, and remind myself that it’s just my body’s way of trying to keep me safe. I then put on my big girl pants and (depending on the situation) speak up.
2. Practice Speaking Your Truth in Safe Spaces
If conflict avoidance has been your go-to strategy for years, it’s unlikely you’ll wake up one day and feel totally comfortable with it. Like any new skill, it takes practice. Start by expressing your needs in low-stakes situations.
For example, if you’re used to always agreeing with a friend about where to eat or what to do, practice gently expressing a different opinion. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, you’ll build confidence and trust in your ability to speak up. Once you master it in easier settings, you can progress to the more challenging ones.
3. Align Your Energy Centres
Energy healing work, particularly focusing on the throat chakra, can help release some of the blocks that keep you stuck in patterns of silence. Anodea Judith’s work shows that when we open and balance the throat chakra, we’re better able to express ourselves clearly and truthfully.
One simple technique is to place your hand on your throat while taking slow, deep breaths. Visualize a warm, soothing light radiating from your hand, melting away any tension. As you do this, silently affirm: “I am safe to speak my truth.” This practice helps to create a sense of safety and encourages the flow of communication energy.
4. Address the Root of the Fear with Compassionate Inquiry
As Gabor Maté highlights in Compassionate Inquiry, the key to healing is understanding the deeper roots of our patterns. Take time to reflect on where your fear of conflict began. Were there specific experiences in childhood that taught you it wasn’t safe to speak up? Did you witness conflict being handled poorly, or were you punished for expressing anger or disagreement?
By exploring these early experiences with compassion, you can begin to understand that the fear is a survival strategy that served you in the past but is no longer needed. You can now thank that part of yourself for its hard work and gently release it.
5. Prepare for the Conversation Somatically
Before you enter a potentially difficult conversation, take a few moments to ground yourself. Here’s a simple practice:
Find a quiet space and stand with your feet firmly on the ground.
Take a deep breath and imagine roots growing from the soles of your feet into the earth, anchoring you.
As you exhale, feel the support of the ground beneath you, knowing you are stable and held.
Gently place your hand on your heart and remind yourself that speaking your truth is an act of self-respect.
This practice helps regulate your nervous system and brings a sense of calm before you engage in the conversation.
Shifting Your Perspective: Conflict as an Opportunity for Growth
It’s time to rethink conflict. Instead of viewing it as something to avoid, start seeing it as an opportunity for deeper connection and growth. Conflict doesn’t have to be destructive — it can be a powerful tool for understanding yourself and others more deeply.
When you approach a difficult conversation with the intention of being honest, clear, and kind, you open the door for meaningful change. You create space for authenticity, both in yourself and in your relationships.
Your Path to Speaking Your Truth
Breaking free from the fear of conflict isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a journey of self-discovery, healing, and practicing new ways of being. But with each step, you’ll feel more confident, more in tune with your purpose, and more empowered to live a life that’s aligned with your truth.
If you're ready to move beyond avoidance and step into a more authentic version of yourself, I’d love to guide you on this path. Through gentle compassionate, somatic, and energetic work, we can explore the roots of your patterns and help you find the courage to speak up — not just in difficult conversations, but in all areas of your life.
Ready to speak your truth? Book a session with me today and start your journey toward authentic, empowered living.
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