We’ve all been there. That sinking feeling when you make a mistake, the weight of a seemingly endless to-do list, or that twinge of anticipatory defeat when the self-imposed bar is so high it seems impossible to reach. For many working women, particularly those with a desire for personal growth, shame often lurks just beneath the surface, disguised as perfectionism.
The need to be perfect, to give and work endlessly is both slippery and exhausting. The truth is that shame and perfectionism are survival strategies rooted deep in our childhood patterns, and understanding this is the first step toward freedom.
The Shame-Perfectionism Link
Let’s talk about shame. It’s that quiet but pervasive voice that whispers, “I’m not enough.” It’s a feeling that runs deeper than guilt, which says, “I’ve done something wrong.” Shame is far more personal. It convinces us that we are wrong, flawed, and unworthy. For many women, this shame fuels a relentless drive toward perfectionism.
Perfectionism often gets mistaken for a virtue, especially in a culture that celebrates overwork, productivity, and the superwoman archetype. But perfectionism isn’t about being perfect—it’s about avoiding shame. By trying to be perfect, we hope to protect ourselves from criticism, judgment, and ultimately, from the painful belief that we aren’t good enough.
Gabor Maté and the Origins of Perfectionism
Renowned physician Dr Gabor Maté, through his Compassionate Inquiry approach, has long illuminated how early childhood experiences shape our adult behaviours, particularly when it comes to over-giving and perfectionism.
According to Maté, childhood environments where love, acceptance, or validation were conditional often lead to survival strategies like perfectionism. If a child learns that they are more valued when they excel, please, or take care of others, they develop a deep-rooted belief that their worth is tied to their achievements.
In many cases, this manifests in adulthood as overworking, over-giving, and the constant drive to do more, be more, and achieve more. These patterns are especially prevalent in women who, from an early age, were socialized to be caregivers, nurturers, and self-sacrificing. The result? A constant internal battle to be perfect in every role—whether it’s as a professional, a partner, a mother, or a friend.
This survival strategy is an attempt to avoid shame, to ensure we’re loved and accepted. But the price we pay is steep—burnout, chronic stress, and the feeling of never being enough.
The Energy of Shame
From an energy psychotherapy perspective, shame has a dense, heavy vibration. It’s an emotion that keeps us feeling small, contracted, and disconnected from our true selves. Perfectionism is like a shield, a way to keep shame at bay, but it’s not sustainable. It’s like trying to hold up a wall that’s crumbling underneath.
Energy psychotherapy, which taps into the body’s energy systems to release trapped emotions and limiting beliefs, reveals that shame often gets stuck in our energy field, manifesting as physical tension, anxiety, or a sense of being blocked. The body carries the imprints of past experiences—those moments when we were shamed, criticized, or made to feel less-than. Over time, these imprints solidify into perfectionistic behaviours as a way to stay safe and in control. But the key to healing is not in striving for control—it’s in embracing self-compassion.
Compassion: The Antidote to Shame
The antidote to shame isn’t perfection; it’s compassion—self-compassion, to be specific. This is where Maté’s Compassionate Inquiry is transformative. It invites us to look at our inner world with curiosity and kindness, to understand why we developed these patterns in the first place, and to gently loosen their grip.
When we approach ourselves with compassion, we begin to see that our perfectionism isn’t something to be ashamed of—it’s a strategy we adopted to survive. And like all survival strategies, it was helpful at one time. But now, it’s time to let it go. To trade in perfectionism for self-compassion means recognizing that we are enough, just as we are, flaws and all.
Rewiring Perfectionism: A New Way Forward
So how do we begin to shift from perfectionism to self-compassion? It starts with awareness. Here are five practical steps to help loosen the grip of perfectionism:
Name the Shame: The first step is to recognize when shame is driving your actions. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I truly want to, or because I feel like I have to be perfect?” By bringing awareness to the motivation behind your actions, you can begin to challenge perfectionistic tendencies.
Challenge the Inner Critic: Perfectionism thrives on the inner critic—the voice that tells you nothing you do is good enough. Start questioning that voice. What if you’re not perfect? What if you’re just human, like everyone else? What would happen if you let yourself be imperfect?
Set Boundaries: Over-giving and overworking are classic signs of perfectionism. It’s time to set some boundaries. Learn to say no when your plate is full. Prioritize rest and self-care. Remember, your worth is not tied to how much you give or how hard you work.
Embrace “Good Enough”: One of the most powerful shifts you can make is embracing the idea that “good enough” is enough. You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy. In fact, it’s in your imperfections that your humanity, creativity, and uniqueness shine.
Cultivate Self-Compassion: Finally, make self-compassion a daily practice. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. When you slip into perfectionism, remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes. You are enough, just as you are.
Breaking Free from the Chains of Perfectionism
It’s time to let go of the need to be perfect. It’s time to release the shame that tells you you’re not enough and embrace the self-compassion that knows you are. Perfectionism may have been your survival strategy, but it doesn’t have to be your future. By understanding its roots and choosing compassion over criticism, you can begin to live from a place of freedom, authenticity, and ease.
You deserve to live a life that isn’t driven by the fear of not being enough. You deserve to show up as you are—imperfect, human, and whole. It’s time to step out from behind the shield of perfectionism and embrace the power of self-compassion. When you do, you’ll discover that the freedom and joy you’ve been searching for were within you all along.
Call to Action
If you’re ready to take the next step in releasing perfectionism and embracing self-compassion, I invite you to book a session with me. Using my multi-faceted approach including Compassionate Inquiry, somatic therapy and holistic counselling has helped countless professionals overcome perfectionism and release shame.
I can help you to explore the roots of your perfectionism, gently release the shame, and create a new way forward—one that’s grounded in compassion, self-love, and authenticity. You don’t have to live at the mercy of your perfectionism and be held back by your shame – change is possible.
Kommentare